Why Do I Eat in Secret? A Question Worth Asking God

You're parked at the far end of the Walmart lot with the engine running. The groceries for everybody else are in the back seat. And you're eating something you didn't mention to anyone, fast, before you drive home and walk into a house full of people who need you.

Nobody saw. That's the point.

If you've ever asked yourself, "Why do I eat in secret?", here's the plain answer most of us never hear: the hiding is usually about more than food. For a lot of worn-out women, the car, the pantry, or the kitchen after everyone's asleep is the only place in the day where nobody needs anything from her. The food is hers. The quiet is hers. And the shame that follows is hers too.

I'm not going to hand you a meal plan or a list of rules. You've tried those. I want to talk about what's underneath, because that's where God actually wants to meet you.

Why do I eat in secret when I know better?

You do know better. You could teach a Sunday school lesson on self-control. That's part of what makes it hurt.

Secret eating usually isn't a knowledge problem. Here's what tends to sit underneath it.

It's the one thing that's just yours. You give your time, your plans, your Saturday, and your patience to everybody. Food in private can become the only thing in the day nobody asks you to share.

It's a way to feel something, or to feel nothing. Tired, lonely, angry, bored, grieving. Eating quiets it for a few minutes. Then the quiet ends and the guilt starts talking.

It's hiding from being watched. Maybe somebody once commented on your plate. Maybe you've heard a sermon about gluttony and felt every eye in the pew. So you learned to eat where nobody can have an opinion.

It's a cycle you can't find the door out of. Hide, feel ashamed, promise Monday will be different, then hide again when Monday is hard.

When women answered my anonymous survey this fall, the same words kept coming back. They weren't asking for more information. They were tired of starting strong, slipping, and feeling like a failure.

What we usually hear at church, and why it isn't enough

Most of us have heard some version of "just turn to God instead of food," or "your body is a temple." Both have truth in them. But when that's all we say, it lands on a hurting woman like a verdict. She hears: you're weak, you're disobedient, try harder. So she tries harder in public and hides more in private.

Shame has never once cured hiding. Shame is what causes it.

Here's what we don't say often enough. The very first time people hid from God, He came looking for them. Adam answered Him plainly:

"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself." (Genesis 3:10, KJV)

Afraid. Exposed. Hidden. That's the whole story of secret eating in one verse. And God didn't pretend He didn't know where they were. He called out to them, He asked questions, and before they left the garden He made them coverings with His own hands. The hiding didn't stop Him from coming.

The pantry doesn't stop Him either.

Bringing the real thing to God

So don't start with a promise. Start with the truth.

Next time, before you eat or right after, don't pray "Lord, help me stop." Pray what's actually happening: "Lord, I'm hiding again. I'm tired, and this is the only thing that feels like mine today." The Psalms are full of prayers that honest.

Then get curious instead of cruel. Ask yourself what the food is doing for you right then. Is it rest? Comfort? Company? A reward for a day nobody thanked you for? Whatever it is, that need is real, and it deserves more than a drive-thru.

If you'd like a simple, gentle place to start noticing that, my free Make Room for Joy guide walks you through it one page at a time.

And please hear this part clearly. Secret eating can sometimes be a sign of something more than a hard season. One therapist writing for an eating disorder treatment provider put it this way: "Eating in secret can be a common symptom of an eating disorder." If the hiding feels out of your control, if it happens often, or if you feel sick with shame afterward, tell your doctor or a counselor, or call your pastor this week. The National Alliance for Eating Disorders also offers a free helpline. Asking for help is one way of walking out of the trees when God calls your name.

A question to sit with

You don't have to fix this tonight. I'd rather you answer one question honestly than make one more promise you'll break by Thursday.

What are you hungry for that you've never let anyone see?

Write it down. Pray it out loud in the car if you have to. Then let God come looking for you, the way He always has.

If you want company in the noticing, the Make Room for Joy guide is free, and it's a quiet place to begin.